Letter to God

Letter to God

I feel so down and low.
I feel like no matter how hard I try I can't seem to rise above.
I give up.
I give up trying to force the act. I give up trying to be an unrealistic version of me. A leader. A teacher.
I am not these things.

How can I be?
I am struggling to rise above these feelings and fears. I know I need more faith. I am trying. But the load feels too heavy.
What am I doing wrong Heavenly Father? What do you need me to do. How do I break free of these blocks and weaknesses...

I'm tired of myself.. I am so tired of never moving forward and of hitting this wall over and over. I can't climb it!!! 

I can't do this! I just can't!! I wish I had faith, I wish I had courage. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I seriously am sorry. I want to be your disciple so bad. I have such a strong passion and love of the gospel. But when I go to live it jt is like my heart is encased in stone. I cannot connect . I don't want to be a victim. But I really don't want to go through the hassle and pain of having to teach lesson that is a train wreck. Yes. A train wreck!!! I can't do this! I am worse at teaching than these girls are. Forget it. Im just never going to be sue white. I am never going to be a sister Morris, Anderson, or Edgeworth. I am not the leader I need to be or that these girls need me to be. I know I am just a huge disappointment to everyone. I know you know I can be better. I am sure I could be but I am struggling for help and I am receiving so little help. I try to be positive and hopefully but I constantly disappoint myself. And am just a burden on others. 

Please help me!
Please see me in my weakness and lift me up. I need your help so badly and I never get any. I feel bad for saying that. I am sorry for my selfishness. I am sorry for all my issues and my millions of flaws but I give up. Please have compassion on me....the most needy, weak, helpless, loneliest, most pathetic of all your children. Even more than those with special needs. Even they are able to rise above their shortcomings. Or at least have a positive additude. I can't even do that. I just give up and I put in the red flag I don't have what it takes to fulfil this calling. I am so drained and I can barely take care of myself let alone these girls. I know other women make it work some how and miraculously have it all together but I don't!!! Why?? I am not certain. I'm broken. 

I don't even get the atonement. I don't get how I'm supposed to come unto you and it be so simple. I don't get it! I don't get how it so simple?? I never receive any feelings or any dreams or visions or warm fuzzies. I can barely concentrate during sacrament even though I try... I never feel I get anything out of it. I want to come unto you so badly but it's like a dead end in my mind. I just don't get how to do it. Forgive me....I am weak and simple. I am so selfish and pitiful and self consumed. I wish I was more like those I look up to. I am just tired. Just so so so so tired . please give me a break or breakthrough ....I want to progress so badly...  But I know that subconsciously I sabatoge any and all good things that come to me. WHY!! :'( 

I don't mean to. I don't want to. It just happens. I don't have the strength to be in the spotlight and to take leadership and to be the desicion maker. I don't have the mental capacity to do so. I am not an extrovert. I am an introvert in an extrovert world. Where do I fit in in this church and in your kingdom?? I don't feel I belong anywhere. :'( 

Please heavenly Father help me.... I need a miracle. I need to find rest. I need to drink the cool waters and find my soul satisfied. I need to take care of my needs. I hope there's room for self care in the kingdom.

Please forgive me
..